


the wind blows loudest when you’ve got your eyes closed

by zoyasnazyalensky



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, i finished the book a month ago and i have been a wreck ever since, idk how to tag this, post kos, proofreading? we don’t know her, so now everyone gets to share in my breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24999910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoyasnazyalensky/pseuds/zoyasnazyalensky
Summary: Zoya had no retort. “Why?” Ruthless as ever.She was only inches from him then, so close he wouldn’t even have to reach out to her. He could blink and she’d be in his arms. He had signed his fate to her a long time ago, stepped into martyrdom willingly all for the chance to see her eyes like sirens staring across at him, tinted with something more than what they have always been. Now he searched her face but found no traces of anger, no stubbornness, no fight. “Surely by now you know why,” he said, voice just above a whisper.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	the wind blows loudest when you’ve got your eyes closed

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is my first time writing for zoyalai and the grishaverse in general, so i hope you enjoy it and that i’ve got the characterization down!

“I won’t lose anyone else.” Nikolai did his best to keep his voice steady but he could almost feel his eyes giving him away— a complete mess, but if anyone was to blame for his frantic state it’s himself. He had realized a long time ago— maybe in the Fold, maybe before then— that it would be his fear of losing her that would lead him. 

The knowledge should have been enough to encourage him to bury his feelings, for the good of Ravka and for his own sanity, because he couldn’t risk having vulnerabilities. Not in the middle of a war. But trying to run from his feelings for Zoya was a lot like standing at the foot of a mountain and trying to escape its avalanche. He couldn’t stop it, didn’t know how. Wouldn’t want to, regardless. 

Across the room, Zoya’s expression softened but she still rolled her eyes. “You underestimate me, Your Highness. I know how to ensure the safety of my own soldiers.” 

He shook his head. “I wouldn’t dare to underestimate you,” he promised. “But it is not your soldiers that I fear for.” Her eyes were reflecting the moon in them, blue as the ocean, sparkling crescents. Not for the first time he found himself lost in them. Hoping. “I won’t lose  you .” 

Zoya stilled. The expression she wore then was one he had never seen before— not so clearly. It’s a look he sometimes liked to imagine he would catch a glimpse of, when he wasn’t supposed to be looking, when he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from her. Her lips parted as if to say something and sealed themselves a second later. When she didn’t move, he risked taking a step closer. “ Zoya ,” he said, softer, willing her to say something. To pull the air from his lungs or send him flying out of her room on a tidal wave or tell him what he has wanted to hear so badly. 

“I appreciate your concern, Nikolai,” she told him, lifting her chin. “Ravka needs me.“ 

“Ravka needs its general alive,” he said, not realizing he had taken a step closer until he could see the specks of gold hidden in her eyes.  And me. I need you. Zoya still hadn’t moved an inch. Nikolai sighed. “At least let me accompany you on your mission.” 

“I have Juris,” Zoya assured him. “Tolya has rounded up our best soldiers. Your place is here. If there is anyone Ravka needs alive it is you. Find a queen, produce an heir, ensure its safety, Nikolai. I will do my part.” 

“And if that’s not what I want? If I  want to join you on this venture?” 

“Why this mission?” 

His lips quirked up. “Because I am a caring king, of course. Ever the martyr.” 

Zoya had no retort. “Why?” Ruthless as ever. 

She was only inches from him then, so close he wouldn’t even have to reach out to her. He could blink and she’d be in his arms. He had signed his fate to her a long time ago, stepped into martyrdom willingly all for the chance to see her eyes like sirens staring across at him, tinted with something more than what they have always been. Now he searched her face but found no traces of anger, no stubbornness, no fight. “Surely by now you know why,” he said, voice just above a whisper. His eyes did not leave her face, catching the confusion in her eyes, the beginnings of a frown taking form at her lips. He saw it on her face the moment the weight of his words sunk in, dug their nails into her skin. 

Oh . Zoya swallowed a deep breath, her eyes meeting his, holding his gaze. He felt himself drowning in her beauty, unable to look away. There had to be moonlight in every move she made. “I am not what you need,” was all she said. Her voice distant and hoarse. She stumbled back and her hands gripped the chair behind her as Nikolai watched her walls come up. “Not as a Grisha, not in the middle of this war.” 

“I think you’re wrong.” 

“I hardly ever am.”

Nikolai smiled. “I think you are the only thing I have ever needed. I think having you at my side is the only way Ravka could win.” 

“Ravka would never accept that,” she said. She sounded different, like she might be standing on an opposite end of the ocean than him. Zoya’s gaze moved to the ground, graciously evading his. “They would never want me at your side.” 

“And you?” He asked, dared to take a step closer, to brush a hand against her face. Zoya’s cheeks were warm from the fire burning behind them, embers dying out, long since forgotten. “Would  you want to be at my side?” Zoya silently leaned into his touch. He waited a moment, confusion still sparkling in her eyes. “Marry me,” he said. It was an uneven whisper, said with all the conviction he had in him, any louder and she might have actually heard him. She mighthave said no. 

She heard him anyway. 

Her eyes flew open, but she did not move away from him. “This is hardly the time for tricks, Nikolai.” The air around them was colder suddenly, enough to make her shiver, Nikolai could tell by the way her hand twitched at her side that’s it her own doing.

“This isn’t a trick.” 

Her eyes were closed, her voice only a whisper, as if it pained her to speak. “I’m not a queen. I am a soldier.” He could hear the words she left unsaid, the ones she had uttered so many times before. Zoya would never give up her position as a general, her seemingly innate need to serve and protect. 

“A queen protects her people. A queen cares about them. She fights for them.” He brushed a thumb over the lashes falling over closed eyes. She finally opened them up to meet his gaze, to watch his eyes as he whispered in the darkness of the room, “I would never ask of you to be someone you are not.” 

She was silent for a moment, staring at him through cloudy eyes, searching. He decided to kiss her then. He brushed his lips against hers before he could think twice about it, because if not now then when? Her lips were welcoming and warm under his. A wave crashing onto the shore. His hands found their way to the small of her back, trying his best to steady them as he felt the ground coming apart under his feet, the world around them fading into complete nothingness. Kissing Zoya was like nothing he had ever imagined. There seemed to be no words that could ever even attempt to describe it. His hands were in her hair, getting lost in waves of ebony, as he had the overwhelming thought that he could do this forever and never grow tired of it. That she might be the death of him.

When she pulled back eventually, fingers coming to rest against his chest, her eyes were closed again. He waited silently for her to say something. She had kissed him back, he hadn’t imagined that. Still he knew her well enough to know the expression on her face. “My duty is to Ravka,” she whispered. Her hand fell at her side as she took a step backward. “Not my heart.” She would not look at him but he could see her eyes were wet, glistening silver with moonlight. Nikolai took her hand in his, squeezing it tightly. 

“You still haven’t answered my question.” She looked up at him then, the most beautiful person he had ever seen, holding onto him across an ocean. “Do you  want to be at my side? If you answer is no then I will leave now. I won’t hold it against you, Zoya. I never could.” He watched her for a moment with baited breath. “But if your answer is yes... Then whatever obstacles we face, whatever enemies, whatever threats, we will face them as we always do. Together.”  We can be happy.  He almost let himself imagine it. 

“You would risk everything for this?  For me? ” 

Nikolai scoffed then, wondered how she couldn’t see what was so obvious to everyone else. “The only risk would be attempting to do this without you. It’s a loss I could never imagine bearing.” 

Zoya took another deep breath, as if contemplating his words. She lifted her head slowly. “It won’t be easy,” she said, softer than he had ever known her to be. He could see her mind running.

“Easy is overrated,” he said, moving closer to her and reaching for her hand. “Where’s the fun in easy?” 

“The people will hate me.” 

“The people will think you a Saint when they know how much you’ve sacrificed for them.” 

“They’ll riot.” 

“They are always rioting about something. It’s in their nature.” She did not seem convinced by it. “They’ll accept you,” he promised her, squeezing her hand. “They will adore you. They will have nothing but respect and love and admiration for you. Just as I do. ”  Nikolai felt her soften beside him. 

Her eyes fell to their entwined hands. “I won’t age as you do.” 

“Then you can keep the memory of my young and handsome face alive forever.” She rolled her eyes at that. 

“I know nothing about being a queen.” 

“You already are one,” he said, fingers circling the inside of her wrist.

“I may fail,” she whispered. 

“I don’t think you even know  how to fail,” he told her truthfully. “Zoya, whatever your doubts are, no matter how many you have... I know that we can overcome anything, you and me.” 

“Together,” she echoed, eyes closing again. She nodded softly, her forehead moving against his, before offering him a soft smile. It felt like the first breath of air after being underwater for years. “I  would look good in a crown,” she mused softly. 

“You would look magnificent,” he smiled back hopefully. “Almost as good as I do.” She rolled her eyes, feigning annoyance, but the smile on her face gave her away. “Is that a yes, then?” 

She nodded again. The grin on his face was so wide he could feel it permanently etching itself into his features. Her smile was like nothing he had ever seen before. He kissed the smile, felt it widen against his skin. Zoya leaned her body into him, moving closer even, and he kissed her again simply because he could. Longer. This time he could hear her laughter like honey when she breathlessly pulled back to remind him, “There is still a war going on.” Her cheeks were pink and Nikolai felt a wave of love when he realized that the soft look in her eyes was meant only for him. He tried to hear her words clearly but the war was a faint memory now, fading further and further the longer his lips stayed pressed against hers. He indulged himself, forgetting about every possible danger lurking just outside the palace doors. 

“Tomorrow.” He told her. Together. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! I really hope you enjoyed this. please be sure to leave a comment if you can, i’d love to know your thoughts!!


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